


Humanity 101

by Gemagination



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Community (TV)
Genre: Crack-ish, Crossover, Greendale, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22874392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gemagination/pseuds/Gemagination
Summary: One former citizen of Sunnydale decides to attend Greendale Community College
Kudos: 22





	1. GURs are Stupid

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the dialogue is taken from Season 3 of Community.

Anya looked around her at all the humans, who were eagerly awaiting the professor's instructions. This was stupid. Why did she have to take biology? College had all sorts of rules that didn't make sense, but the worst one was that she had to take classes that had nothing to do with making money.

Before leaving Sunnydale, Xander had explained it to her: If she wanted to have a business, she needed a business degree. Well, apparently in order to get a degree, she had to take idiotic classes called "General Undergraduate Requirements", such as art, science, and English. No one could explain to her why she had to take these classes.

Luckily, after all the confusion of the Ascension at Sunnydale's graduation, no one looked too closely at her high school diploma. In fact, all she had to do was mention the tragedy in California and the dean let her in, talking about real-life heroes and survivors.

And so here she was, in her second biology class of the semester. Professor Kane was explaining what she had to do, so Anya began to pay attention.

"Your first assignment is to construct a terrarium. Sort of like a diorama."

The class groaned. Seriously, what was with Greendale professors and dioramas? No one liked making them.

"You guys have weird reactions to stuff," The professor said, crossing his arms. He started talking about Legos, Harry Potter, and other silly words. Anya tuned him out. She didn't know who Harry Potter was, but she remembered Star Wars pretty fondly. Back in the '70s there was a woman whose husband left her for a skinnier version of herself. The movies had been pretty popular at the time, and Anya ended up turning the man into Jabba the Hut.

Smiling at the memory, Anya realized Professor Kane was still talking.

"Your terrariums are due tomorrow. Everyone, look at the person at the table across from you. That will be your lab partner for the rest of the year."

______

Troy locked eyes with Abed. "Who are these people?" 

Abed's eyes were wide with anxiety. Working with someone else could be tolerable, in a one-off kind of way, but for the rest of the year? Without his study-group family? That would throw off the entire dynamic. He could tell from the groans and muttering around him that his friends were thinking the same thing. Something would have to be done.

Immediately after his lecture, Professor Kane retreated to his office. The rest of the students were left to discuss their terrarium plans, while the seven cornered the professor. They would make him see reason, and allow them to work together, like they always did.

"I don't care, do what you want," Professor Kane said, exasperated.

Troy and Abed slapped their hands and chests in celebration, and the group returned to their table to discuss pairs.

Despite getting what he asked for, Abed felt doubt start to creep in. After all, he remembered Spanish class from their first year. Señor Chang forced them to partner up, and the conflict between Pierce and Jeff nearly broke the group before it had even begun.

 _Damn,_ he thought. No matter how he ran the numbers, someone was going to get their feelings hurt. It was the classic scenario of having an odd number of characters. There was a reason all the good sitcoms had an even number of leads; _Friends, Boy Meets World,_ even _Cheers'_ ensemble cast had the correct ratio. With their solid 7 members, someone would have to have a random partner, while everyone else got to work with a friend. Abed's face turned blank as he began to run all the possible scenarios in his head of all the possible pairings.  
  
In past situations like this, Pierce would be the obvious choice to be left as the odd-man-out. However, his whole psyche had been so fragile since the death of his father, Abed wasn't sure his character could handle another blow. After last year's pill dependence, it was too soon for Pierce to have another breakdown.

Normally, it would make sense for their leader to be left-out. After all, the lead character was always going off and meeting new guest stars, Professor Slater being the most memorable. However, this time Jeff wasn't right for the part. He was going through some major character growth, and needed the familiar interactions of his friends to keep him from attacking the table with an axe again.

Sighing internally, Abed realized he would have to sacrifice his own wants for the good of the show.

Looking around, he realized that during his inner monologue, everyone else had broken up with their pre-assigned lab partner. Troy was looking at him expectantly. Abed didn't want to let his friend down, but there really was no other way. He couldn't risk letting the timeline get even darker.

"Sorry, Troy," he said stoically. "I can't be your lab partner. See you later." Before his best friend could get over his shock, Abed turned around to really see who was sitting across from him for the first time.

Anya was standing now, waiting for her lab partner to acknowledge her. It seemed really rude that the professor had announced the assignment thirty minutes ago, yet the man in front of her seemed too occupied with his friends to say anything.

Then again, she had only been human for less than a year, and she wasn't always the best at interpreting their actions.

He seemed smart, and kind of cute, in that non-threatening boyish way she liked. She hoped he knew what a terrarium was, because she sure didn't.

"Hi. I'm Abed," he said, finally turning around. He waved his hand briefly in a hello.

"Anya," she replied, moving her face into a smile.


	2. Interplanetary Conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie needs a favor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter makes more sense if you've seen S03E02, Geography of Global Conflict (the one with the Model UN)

Annie was trying to be welcoming to Abed's new biology partner. The girl was new to Greendale, and seemed like she could use a friend. Also, Annie really needed someone to fill in for her United Nations team now that Vicki was spending the break with Neil. Annie had already asked every member in her study group, but they all claimed to be busy. Anya was her last hope of competing this weekend against City College.

She spied the pair sitting together at the usual table in the cafeteria, eating chicken fingers.

"Hi Abed, Anya," she singsonged brightly. "How are you two doing?"

Abed looked up at her and stared. Annie began to fidget. He always seemed to look straight at her, and she felt irrationally guilty for a second. She hadn't really spent a lot of time with these two, but she was trying now, right?

"I'm good. Is something wrong?"

"What?" Annie said, her voice raising an octave. "Why would you think something's wrong?"

"You ate lunch with Troy and Britta outside. You usually go home afterwards, but instead you're in here, sitting with us."

"Maybe she got hungry again," Anya said to Abed, keeping her eyes on Annie. "She is very skinny." Annie fought the urge to roll her eyes. Anya could be just as weird as any of the study group. Was she sure she wanted to ask the new girl to be on the U.N. team?

Annie opened her mouth to excuse herself, but caught sight of Annie Kim out of the corner of her eye talking to Todd. Was she thinking of asking that weirdo to be on their team? That wouldn't do. She'd rather have Anya and her strange comments over Todd any day.

"Actually, Anya, I was looking for you. Do you know about the model United Nations?" Anya shook her head, and Annie explained. "It's like the real U.N., only everyone picks a country. You solve crisis situations until you reach World Peace."

"That sounds ridiculous," Anya replied tersely. "World peace is impossible. Plus, countries never work together on anything, unless they can borrow money from each other.”

Annie's brow knotted together as she tried to follow the girl's reasoning. "Of course peace is possible! And anyway, it's just a model one. It doesn't have to be completely realistic."

"It's actually pretty fun," Abed interjected. "I was Switzerland last time. We ended up joining the two Earths to make an intergalactic united nations."

"Two Earths?" Anya asked excitedly. "Which ones were they?"

"Well, one was an Earth where Our Annie began a United Nations, and the other was begun by Asian Annie."

"Abed," Annie interrupted. They were getting off track, and she didn't want the new girl to be scared away from the idea. "There's only one Earth, and I resolved my issues with Other Annie. We're co-presidents." She smiled brightly at Anya. "And I'd really love it if you'd join us."

"Of course there's more than one Earth," Anya said, ignoring Annie's invitation. "There are all kinds of Earths. You could have, like, a world with no shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp.*"

"Or an Earth where I have a goatee and Jeff has no arm," Abed continued, looking thoughtful.

"Exactly," Anya said, nodding at him. "Which would make a United Nations even dumber. How could we unite all those Earths? They'd never get along. One world would try and make us all into cow-people, and then where would you be?"

Abed nodded sagely, and munched on another chicken finger.

Annie sighed. What had she been thinking, inviting these two to the United Nations team? Maybe Todd wouldn't be so bad after all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Some of Anya's dialogue is from BtVS Superstar, Season 4


	3. In Mixed Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Midterms and Anya gets invited to an official Study Group meeting

Anya had been invited to study with them for their biology midterm. Pierce had made some comment about not bringing in new blood, too much estrogen already, etc., but the rest of the group ignored him. Annie wasn't completely on-board with her either (she didn't want anything disrupting her preparation for a test), but politely didn't say anything.

Surprisingly, Anya was more helpful than most of the others with studying. Sure, she asked a lot of questions, but they were direct and, as it turned out, at least one or two other members had the same question but were too afraid to ask.

"Alright, that does it for Plant Cells," Annie summarized. She was feeling especially productive with her new highlighters. "Moving on to chapter five: Animal Cells!"

"Does anyone else notice they keep calling us animals in this textbook?" Shirley asked in a low voice. "I know I sure don't appreciate it."

The other study group members knew better than to start a conversation with Shirley on the topic, and pretended they hadn't heard. Anya, however, didn't yet know that tactic.

"That's because we are animals. There are plant cells and animal cells. We're not plants, so we're animals." Anya smiled, proud that she was contributing to the discussion. Never having taken a biology class, the entire concept of cells was pretty new to her, and she was trying very hard to understand.

"Honey, I don't know about you, but I'm no animal," Shirley replied, getting worked up. "The bible says that the good Lord separated Man from Animal, giving him dominion over all."

Anya shrugged. "The bible says a lot of stuff. Like in Leviticus; 'The eating of fat is prohibited forever.' I mean, have you ever had a deep-fried Twinkie? That's enough to turn any demon into a human."

"Let's take a break," Britta interrupted before Shirley could argue with the strange woman. She pointed around the table. "Coffee? Coffee? Coffee?" There was a grateful chorus of "yes" around the table, and she stood to go retrieve them.

"Sure," Anya said. "But let's hurry through the next couple chapters, because I gotta go. I heard of this store called Dildopolis, and their Happy Hour sales end at 9."

"Anya!" Shirley gasped. "Where are you hearing about these kinds of things? Obviously you need to spend more time around good Christian people."

Pierce smiled. He was starting to like this new girl. "Hey, isn't that where Annie lives? I bet she can go with you."

"Ew," Annie squealed. "I live _above_ it, Pierce. Not in it. And anyway, I don't go in there. It gives me the creeps."

"Good for you, Annie," Shirley said. "A young woman should stay away from places like that."

"What about old women?" Troy asked. His confused face quickly turned to disgusted. "Wait a minute, never mind. I don't want to think about that."

"Are you even old enough to go inside?" Jeff asked, staring very hard at his phone and trying not to think any thoughts surrounding Annie and the word dildo.

Annie let out an outraged 'ah'! at him. "It's 18 and over," she bit out angrily. Why was Jeff always treating her like a child? "And I think it's great that Anya is willing to explore her... her..." she   
trailed off, unable to say the 'S' word.

"Sexuality," Abed finished for her, satisfied that he was able to help. He wondered if anyone else at the table had known what word she had been searching for, and if so, why they hadn't volunteered.

"Yes, that," Annie said, obviously uncomfortable but wanting to prove her maturity. "And I'd love to help you, Anya."

"Yes!" Troy exclaimed, then clapped a hand over his mouth. "Did I say that out-loud?" He mumbled.

"I didn't mean _help_ -help," Annie said, turning bright red. "I meant I'd show you where it is." She glared at Troy. For such a sweet guy, he had a surprisingly dirty mind.

"Thanks," Anya smiled at Annie. Were they becoming friends? Is that what friends did? She supposed she could ask Abed later. He didn't always know the answer, but he didn't get freaked out at the question like other people did. Frowning, she hoped Annie wasn't really offering to have sex with her- maybe she should talk with her later and let her down easy. Anya liked sex with men only, something she had discovered a few centuries ago. 

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Jeff sighed, "But can we please get back to studying biology?"

Everyone turned back to their textbooks just as Dean Pelton made his entrance. "Greetings, study group! Oh, and our own little Survivor," he addressed Anya.  
It was so cool to have a student at his school who survived a tragedy like the Sunnydale High Explosion. City College had a few students from Hurricane Katrina, and the CC Dean was always bragging about it. Now, Pelton had a poor tragic student to throw right back in his face.

"I'm just here to remind you all of the upcoming Halloween Dance, and that I expect you all to be on your best boo-havior!" He laughed at his own joke, bracing himself on Jeff's chest. His hands lingered, getting a feel of the hard muscle underneath, before calling out a "Toodle-oo!" and exiting.

"Ohhhhh," Anya exclaimed. "I get it now."

"Get what?" Pierce said. "I mean, I get it too!" He didn't want to look senile again.

"Why neither Britta or Annie are having sex with Jeff. I mean, he's obviously the hunk here, and they're the single females. It's because he's gay!" Anya sat back with a satisfied smile. It had been bothering her for a while, not being able to figure that out.

"What?!"

"I TOLD you!"

"I am NOT gay!"

"It's okay," Abed turned to Anya, "I thought that at first too. But, Jeff spent the first season chasing after Britta, and the second one fighting an inappropriate attraction to Annie. Plus, he has lots of heterosexual intercourse with random women."

"What makes you even think he's gay? I mean, just because he's not sleeping with me or Annie..." Britta asked Anya, a little offended at her role in Abed's summary. Was she one of those 'random' women?

"It's the way he reacted to the Dean touching him. Every time he comes in the room, he fondles Jeff somehow, and never once has Jeff reacted averse or moved out of the way. In fact, he leans into it a bit. Doesn't that mean he likes the dean?"

"Jeff just likes the attention, it doesn't matter who it comes from," Abed explained, ignoring Jeff's outraged cry. "That's part of his character arc- as the years go by, his narcissism has decreased until it's just a cute quirk."

Anya didn't look completely convinced, but decided they should get back to biology anyway. The rest of the study group was too stunned to argue, and followed her lead.

Pierce sat back, his hands behind his head. He was really starting to like this new girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all I have planned for this crossover! I first published this 6 years ago at ff.net, in case this looks familiar to anyone.


End file.
